How To Lose 30 Pounds In 30 Seconds

Do you have days where you just wake up stupid? I have dragged through this entire day as if the coffee never kicked in.  To wit:

  • I sent an email to confirm two speakers for an event. I addressed it to person x's first name, and then also to his last name. So instead of writing, "Dear Frank and Sam," I wrote, "Dear Frank and Sinatra." 
  • On route to a store, I was halfway somewhere else before I realized the error. 
The best was that I needed to weigh the dog in order to order the correct dose for his once-a-month wormer. I used the standard procedure: weigh yourself holding the dog; weigh just yourself; calculate the difference. Only it's been overcast the past few days and the solar-powered scale weighed me, but then decided it hadn't enough battery for the second calculation. 

I carried the dog upstairs and stepped on that scale....and promptly had a near heart attack that I'd gained 30 lbs. Oh, no! This scale is more accurate! How can this be when I've been so good about exercise? What radical diet can I undertake? These and many more panicky things ran through my head. 

Until... I suddenly noticed the dead weight in my arms and the beagle on my hip.